Updates on my wife Denise Thornton's life yourney and approaching death

[Fleet Maull]

8/30/08
Hi Everyone,
I sent this update below out to our Shambhala Sangha two days ago. Denise continues to rest peacefully, just radiating peace, kindness, appreciation and love. She looks beautiful. You'll see below that she was able to receive a call from Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche. Early today Denise had brief calls with two more of her teachers, Dzogchen Ponlop Rinpoche, who book Mind Beyond Death, is a very important study and practice source for Denise, and Reggie Ray who Denise studied Mahamudra with. Denise was able to be responsive for both these wonderful calls, even though is most sleeping now and generally no so responsive. We are doing a lot of practice with Denise and the practice is holding my mind. I went through a very rough phase early this week, where it felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest, and I had very little acceptance of it .... just agony mixed with some anger. The intesive practice and joining Denise where she is clearly resting in the nature of mind beyond comings and partings has helped me a lot these last two day. I feel more stable more accepting for now, but who knows what the next wave will be. I did completely break down again, when I got in my car today to go the the bank. I'm just trying to honor whatever is coming for me, while at the same time working with my mind well enough to hold space for Denise properly. More likely Denise is holding space for all of us at this point. Roshi Bernie has also call and we have word that His Holiness the 17th Karmapa is praying for Denise. They had a private audience back in May. And of couse Denise rest easily in complete trust and devotion for her root guru Trugnpa Rinpoche. It is so wonder to see all these blessing arising in the life of this wonderfully accomplished person, practitioner, teacher and friend who gave so much to many. I will never be the same for having just these wonderful six plus years with my sweetheart. She has been my teacher, finishing the work begun many years ago by our mutual root teacher, the Vidyhara Trungpa Rinpoche. Denise continues to teach us in her dying, profound teachings on letting go and practicing with courage and devotion in the face of impending death --- no fear -- complete acceptance, trust and devotion. I could I have been so fortunate.
Love and many blessings to all of you from Denise and me. And special thanks to Roshi Joan who has been so supportive and kind to both Denise and I. Roshi visited with Denise at our home just last month. They have a wonderful connection. I'm suffering a bit of insomnia as you can tell from the time of this posting. I'm head back to bed though and I'll give Denise a kiss for all of you from our beautiful Upaya community.
Love and blessings,
Fleet Maull

8/26/08
Hi Everyone,
Denise is gracefully and beautifully moving through her final passage. She has been bedridden for two days now. We put a catheter in, because it was to difficult for her to get in and out of bed any more. Today we switched to an IV for her pain medication. Denise just rests peacefully, no agitation, no apparent fear at all. When Denise is a little more awake at moments she recognizes us and responds with sweetness, love and appreciation. Sometimes, I lean over to kiss her on the forehead, not wanting to be too invasive, but she puckers up her lips making it clear she wants a kiss. She loves kisses. Whenever we tell her we love her, which is all the time, she almost always whispers I love you too. I spend most of my time sitting by her bedside and sleep at her side during the night.

Just a little while ago, Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche called Denise from Nova Scotia. They talked for about 10 or 15 minutes, with Rinpoche expressing his love and appreciation to Denise, commending her for teaching us all how to work with illness and dying, with letting go, with just profound practice, courage and generosity. Rinpoche gave Denise instructions on working with her mind during her dying process and beyond. Denise nodded with understanding throughout their conversation and responded with whispered voice at times. At the end, she said with a very clear voice, "I love you Rinpoche." It was all wonderful and amazing and I'm hardly doing it justice here.

We have our home set up as a practice mandala. Denise's family and very closest sangha caregivers practice in her bedroom with her and other close sangha practice in the shrine room we have set up in our dining room. People are doing the particular sadhana practices that have been Denise's core practices these past few years, as well as basic sitting or mahamudra practice and tonglen.

I feel more settled today than I have for the past five days. I've been going through a lot agony, finding it hard to breathe at times. The intense practice we have all been doing and somehow connecting with Denise at the ultimate nature level through practice seems to have stabilized me somewhat. Who knows what the next wave will be though. The practice of Not Knowing is a blessing, necessity and unavoidable reality at the point.

We are all incredibly grateful for the blessings of our teachers, the Dharma, the Sangha and good friends. And most of all we are all incredibly grateful for Denise and the incredible love, blessings, teaching, humor and grace she has shared with us.

Love you all very much,

Fleet